I’ve had it tough for over a decade and it’s not been very easy to deal with. People come and go, that’s a given. People do stupid things and don’t realise the effects it can have on others. I’m sure I’ve been one of those people at some point.
But I’ve been on the other side of that and it’s shit, to be quite frank. People tell you things they don’t mean; tell you what you want to hear and when you want to hear it to shut you up, to keep you quiet and to avoid any distress.
And that’s the problem.
It causes me distress and I know when someone’s lying a lot of the time.
The reason behind it would definitely be uncertainty linked to past experiences of being constantly lied to, emotionally manipulated and essentially emotionally bullied.
and Navy bag leather 'Balham' canvas London Conkca messenger A friend and I used to joke about how “clingy” I am and I won’t deny it, that’s really not a lie. I can be clingy as hell when I’ve found someone I don’t want to let drift away. If you mean a lot to me, you’re not leaving. That sounds threatening and it probably is.
I don’t know what goes through someone’s head when my name’s mentioned or when people are talking about me. I know people talk and gossip, of course they do; it’s human nature. And I’m pretty darn needy (but that part we won’t talk about, maybe later).
I’m a pessimist and even though I don’t have a clue what people really think or say about me when I’m not there, the pessimism is dead set on them not being good things. Because, in my opinion, why would they and why should they be good things?
I mean, I try to be a kind and loving person and I know at times, I may come across too strong, but I’m not letting anybody come to the assumption that I’m treating them in a negative way. I’ve personally had too much of being treated negatively.
But why do I need constant reassurance?
Because I need to know I still mean something to you.
bag Conkca 'Balham' Navy leather canvas London and messenger It might be a bit needy (I said I’d come to this), but I need the small things to keep me reminded that you think about me. You know, the “Good morning” and “Goodnight” messages. The “How are you?” and “How was your day?” messages. The “You can talk to me” and “Tell me what’s wrong” messages.
It might sound dumb, but when something like that becomes a routine and when I notice that it becomes less consistent, I do wonder and I do get upset. I guess it just scares me. How do I know you’re not drifting away from me? That the relationship is starting to become circumstantial? That when you see something, it no longer reminds you of me? That’s what utterly petrifies me. I’m afraid of losing you. And I know, there’s a lot of people already lost, some ready to be lost and a lot to lose in the future but I don’t want you to be one of them.
I need to be told now and again that I’m still cared about, that I’m still loved and appreciated. And I don’t just want to be told that every time I’m upset. I shouldn’t have to be a blubbering mess every time you feel it necessary to reassure me. That just shouldn’t be how it is.
And trust me, I’ll give you all the reassurances as possible. You need to know the same as what I need to know.
That’s why it has to be constant. If you care about me, please put the effort in. I’m not asking for a lot, just a bit of effort.